Email I sent June 24, 2011:
Sent only to my small group of dear friends who share my spiritual quest –
First, a quick review of the significant points of my Bridge: In 1989 Flag certified me as Clear, based on a Clearing session with L. Ron Hubbard a long, long time ago. I then trained through Level 4. In July 1999 I had done Solo I and Solo I Certainty, and had arranged the money and time to get through OT III in Los Angeles in six months. Instead, my Clear status was cancelled. ASHO told me that at the time of my session with LRH he “was not Clear” and that he had “found out more about Clear after that time.” It took several days for me to get over my grief and my outrage at the insult to LRH, but, eventually, I saw that I had no other choice. During the next six months, my time and money were eaten up doing the entire lower Bridge under protest. When I left, I had not yet “re-achieved” Clear, and my personality had changed drastically.
From July 1999 until June 2011 I experienced chronic depression and financial and 2-D difficulties. In 2002 I moved to Clearwater and in my nine years there had three different short auditing cycles, in which Flag did not “crack my case” nor alleviate my crippling depression. My auditors were either students, despite my having paid professional rates, or they and also the examiners were wooden and appeared to be scared stiff that they might do something wrong, acting as though they were being watched every minute.
I somewhat out-created my own dismal situation, managing to disconnect myself from a detrimental 2-D relationship and recovering financially, but it has been quite an ordeal spiritually, physically and emotionally to do it against invalidation, overrun, rejected F/Ns, and denial of gains – very, very painful. I was never “myself.”
About two years ago I got the knowingness that I was either not going to make it, or not be allowed to make it, but hung in there because there was no other option and in desperation and fear that I would go into my next lifetime in this sad state of affairs, and continued to flow money to Flag for future auditing.
I also did more training, e.g., PTS-SP for the second time and about 2/3 of the Basics, finishing the fabulous PDC tapes in April of this year, shortly before moving away from Clearwater in May.
During these 12 years, my observations began to accumulate into “What’s wrong with this picture?”
- Most of the OT 7’s I saw look like ‘death warmed over.’ Nearly all of them are experiencing serious financial difficulties, and some (an inordinate number) have engaged in 2-D or business irregularities, and/or are sick or injured.
- Nearly every one of my close friends has been stuck around Clear for ten or more years, also defying statistical probability.
- The announcements of newly discovered Tech did not jibe with what our beloved LRH said – that he had given us all that we needed to achieve spiritual freedom. The guy I know from our wondrous Tech and whom I had the privilege of meeting would not have left us with incomplete or inaccurate data. What one is then forced to conclude is that the Tech is being altered and the competence and caring for us by our hero being disrespected.
- I observed (and experienced) that the members of the Scientology community in the Clearwater area have no life whatsoever – again, not what Ron said Scientology is for. Instead of Scientology being used to enhance people’s lives, if we were not receiving auditing, we were training or volunteering, or working around the clock to pay for the other three. We had no other life.
- When the stories of enslavement, deprivation, and torture came out in the St. Petersburg Times, I defended our leadership, writing it off as Black PR and anomalies. At some point, however, partly due to my observation of the integrity of various whistle-blowers, I was forced to conclude that where there is that much smoke, there has to be some fire.
- Twice I was hit up for donations in Ethics cycles, where I of course felt I had no option but to donate, whether it aligned with my FP or not.
- On a related note, often I donated or bought a product I didn’t need or already owned in order to help various staff members who were being forced to sell products and services, because I saw and heard the desperation of the staff member.
- In spite of the fact that it did not indicate to me in the least to re-do TR’s & Objectives, I started that co-audit course last year, along with everyone else. The little bit of auditing I received before my twin had to get the preps from hell cycle (one year long), in order for me to audit her, was good but not essential. I had already realized that the TR’s & Objectives reg-ing was a “group C.S.,” which by definition is not a C.S. Recently, OT’s and people desiring to get on the OT levels started filling my course room, doing HQS, and I realized that that reg-ing was the second “group C.S.” When I had the chance to go back onto TRs & Objectives, I didn’t.
- At Events for the last few years, I noticed the continuous, bright, flashing lights; staccato/fast urgency speech delivery; etc., and could not ignore the similarity to implant station experiences. The one-terminal nature of the pace is so rapid-fire as to discourage participation, even that of duplicating and examining what is being presented and determining agreement or not, cogniting, etc.
- The strong admonitions not to look at increasing negative data about the church, despite our beloved LRH having said exactly the opposite – “Look, don’t listen.”
- The inconsistency of requiring members to disconnect from family and friends who choose life outside the church, despite Ron having cancelled the disconnect policy in RJ 68 (and I think other places as well), and my having seen Tommy Davis, the head of OSA, declare in a CNN interview that there is no disconnect policy.
I don’t claim to understand what is going on. All I can do, in my personal integrity, is to observe, keep my own counsel, and be brave enough to know what I know. Something is terribly wrong. I do not have the power to change it, so I have to distance myself from it. To this date I have deliberately not gone online to read the researched data on what has happened to our church or the testimonies of others who have chosen to continue their path to spiritual freedom outside the current organized church. Instead, I have observed for myself, compared what I saw to the Tech, and made my own decision. When I finally did so, it was with sad acceptance that my then current painful state was it for this lifetime. Instead, however, joy of joys, I have now located highly trained followers of LRH who will help me on the path I enthusiastically entered in 1984 and was knocked off in 1999, then continuously deterred from until now.
I am so happy to share with you the news that this week my Clear status was verified and I resumed my OT Preps, before I start Solo-ing. As I write this I have a big persistent F/N-smile on my face!
And to each of you, my friends, I wish you success and serenity on your personal path.
With much love,
July 1, 2011 I emailed the following P.S. to the same friends:
I can’t say I’m pleased, but at least I now have a better understanding As I indicated in my earlier email, I made my decision to disconnect from the current church organization based solely on my own personal observations and experiences. Just this week I have gone online and read data that explains the reasons for and source of the outnesses I saw for myself, and, unfortunately, my experiences and my many feelings of “What’s wrong with this picture” all make sense now. Many of the people who have left the church during the last 20+ years are highly trained Sea Org and other org staff who know the Tech, so they recognized that it has been and is being altered, and have made public exactly how that is.
It appears that the Scientologists dedicated to keeping the Tech pure as LRH gave it to us consider themselves “Independents.” Ron trained auditors to then go home and independently audit people, and that is what they are doing, all over the country.
As I am not in a position to put in the needed Ethics on the outnesses in the church, my objective is simply to avail myself and others of the Tech Ron left us, unadulterated. My postulate is that the evil that results in people being denied gains and otherwise being deprived of freedom and happiness will burn itself out and the church will again be faithful to LRH.
With much love,