This started off as a simple “thank you” for the three days we
spent together. I delayed sending it as things in my world
continue to disentangle and evolve, and in reading your blog,
thought something of more detail may be of interest.
For context, as you know, I fully submersed myself in the
Scientology world, with the help of my family, as a young teen. I
was in the Sea Org, including Int Management, for something less
than 15 years. I have been out, covertly, for another 10, having
tried everything to dig myself out of the hole you so aptly
describe on the cover of your blog. While I had made some
progress, including achieving acceptable financial success and
repair of broken familial relationships, I remained unhappy,
unsatisfied, unable to gain sufficient traction in my life to
achieve what I believe my potential should be.
Like many who came into Scientology at a young age, I arrogantly
believed myself an expert on life, self improvement, the world …
everything that the Church’s culture said I should be an expert on
with Hubbard’s writings, I was. There were enough truths in
Hubbard’s material that this idea cemented in place and became a
debilitating belief blocking my ability to learn and observe in an
unbiased fashion for decades. I never knew Hubbard, nor had I even
met him. I was a product of the culture of his then DMs church
following his death, and there was a massive change in organized
Scientology after Hubbard’s death, not for the better.. I blindly
believed myself an expert, even though I had never studied anything
else, or lived the life “real” people face each day.
My journey to recovery included everything from other self
improvement groups such as Anthony Robbins, hypnosis,
psychotherapy, anti depressants, study of philosophy and
psychology, meditation, eastern spirituality, and all the rest.
While some of these had little real impact, others helped
significantly, especially reading real history.
Interestingly, my greatest advances came from the realization that
psychology and other mental and health professionals were not the
evil the church programs us to believe. Also that great similarity
exists between some parts of Scientology and psychology, and many
of the other great self improvement books and practices, INCLUDING
THOSE THAT PRE-DATE ALL HUBBARD BOOKS! There are many good
professionals working with people to improve their lives, employing
dignity and respect greater than I experienced from Scientology in
the final years of my involvement.
More recently I have been working with a counselor, making slow
progress, trying to get myself free from constraints I have
mentally imposed upon myself from, I believe, my Church upbringing
and exposure as a young adult.
The idea of getting your help was as terrifying as it was exciting.
I had not been on an e-meter for over a decade. The last years of
“auditing” were nothing but brutal and debilitating sec checking
leaving me feeling afraid to act in life for fear of doing bad
things. They left me in doubt of my own ability, independence,
sanity and integrity.
And, to make things even more interesting, you were one of the last
several auditors/sec checkers I had in the church. As you know,
our prior encounter was less than pleasant.
Side bar: The obvious question is why on earth would I do a session
with you after having been sec checked or emotionally “beat up” by
you on an e-meter a decade ago? The answer is simply, despite your
intensity, you did have kindness and compassion. When you realized
your “orders” regarding me and “briefing” of my character and
intention were not accurate or fair, you tried to make it right,
trying to help me leave in a stronger fashion, you tried to restore
some of my personal dignity. Yours was one of the few acts of
compassion I experienced from the church at that time, and the ONLY
from a senior management level.
When you and I started talking a few months ago, you did not
remember what happened until I started giving details. As you
remembered, I saw real pain in your eyes, felt it in your voice. I
know our conversations were no easier for you than for myself,
perhaps much more difficult. While words of apology are a good
start, my experiences leave me suspect of easy apologies, your body
language, your tone, your penetrating questions to uncover if there
was anything else you had done to me that hurt me, everything
together left me certain you were genuine.
Something very important to me, which I had not discussed with you,
was I wanted to hear your opinion about Hubbard and all the
different bodies of tech. That you effectively communicated
agreement and belief in certain aspects and dislike or distrust for
others, and could explain why and how, including the history and
evolution of technical and administrative aspects, together with
your other beliefs and studies … these were essential for me to
trust you as a free thinker and not a “RONbot” or “COBbot”. I
personally believe the blind reverence for the church as an entity,
DM, and small portions of the tech without being able to cross
reference and put things into context, the absence of critical
thought … these together are much of the cancer in Scientology.
Our prior visit, as you recall, had me refusing to even touch the e-
meter cans. Recently, when I picked them up, at first, they felt
electric … it was almost physically painful to pick them up. You
smiled, re-assured me, made me feel safe, offered to burn the work
sheets with me after the session … I knew you were genuine in
wanting to help me personally, including help repair any damage you
left in my world, and do this with the most effective means you
I forgot what auditing was like … having someone sitting with you
that genuinely wants you to improve and overcome personal
challenges. The last hundreds of hours of “auditing” I had were
brutal sec checks, FPRD, Roll Back, Evil Purp Handlings, and all
the rest. I forgot how light and easy it was, how safe and calm it
I was also startled to realize how similar it was to “Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy”, something my psychotherapist educated and
worked with me on.
Understanding and having spent many hours working on “Cognitive
I understood the power and value of the e-meter, not as an
interrogation, intimidation, threatening device or lie detector,
but as a tool for a competent counselor in addition to observation
of my body language for finding areas of real emotional or mental
One of the issues I encountered with my other counseling sessions
was that I would bog down, dozens of thoughts would be floating
around my head randomly, it was slow and painful to dig through
them, identifying the real from imagined issues in my mind. I had
the same phenomena occur with you in our session, however with you
and your use of the meter, you were able to help guide me in to
identify issues I have been trying to discover for some 9 months, in
just a few hours.
That you were not interested in the number of hours, but rather
supportive of leaving me exploring my realizations, only going back
when I asked, was very satisfying.
I was also satisfied with observing your “model”. Your audit, exam
and CS as distinctly separate actions. Your session was, in
“scientology lingo” as standard as the best I encountered at Flag,
and much more productive because fear and threat were not present.
My personal revelations were in the area of incredibly deep
thoughts and feelings questioning my own core goodness and decency,
whether or not I was a good human being. The knotted ball of
string in my mind is starting to unwind, I don’t know the
consequences, don’t want to jinx them by talking about them openly
until everything has settled, but since leaving your home, have
concluded that I put these thoughts in place as part of the
intentional or unintentional actions of DMs Church putting me and
others in impossible situations that, I am beginning to believe,
were intentionally constructed to break free spirited and thinking
What I will also share on this is that I was diagnosed with Chronic
Fatigue, needing about 12 hours sleep to feel somewhat rested and
alert. I woke up this morning, without an alarm, after 6 hours,
alert and rested. I am starting to get more effective, more able
to focus on specific tasks and execute them, though still have a
way to go.
What our auditing covered was serfacs, described in another of your
While I will never again become the blind drone DMs Church forced
me to become, I recognize and appreciate that there is value and
workability to the technology, opening or rather re-opening my eyes
to tools of value and use to myself and others in building better
Finally, on you. I was the third person walking along the beach
with you when you received the now almost infamous and internet
published call from “anonymous”. I watched your reactions during
and after the call. I then listened to the call in full through
While on the surface, the caller was much more calm and polite than
I had thought, there were certain undertones and statements made by
anonymous, perhaps and probably unintentionally, that could not but
create a negative reaction, despite the tone, and perhaps
compounded by the tone.
Frankly, I would get increasingly worked up, replaying this call in
my mind, were it I that received it. Such response is only human.
The tone of this call is exactly what DMs church would do … a
message other listeners would not consider ominous, but the
recipient couldn’t consider any other way.
I believe the caller had no malice aforethought, especially
hearing him apparently preparing food in the kitchen during the
call, clanking things around, but the caller did not appropriately,
IMHO, consider the effect of the nature and structure of his call
with the context it had to be received.
Marty, you have been a passionate and driven person since I have
known you. Perhaps now, even more so because you see the truth,
see and feel the harm and pain created by abuses done in the name
of Scientology, and feel a responsibility to try and make things right.
I respect this more than you know, love you for the personal risk you
are taking in trying to make things right. You have friends, an ever
increasing circle of friends who “got your back”.
To those who care, anonymous or Scientology, I absolutely am
certain that Marty has no intention of, nor ever will return to the
Sea Org or take over Scientology, he loves his life, his wife, his
dog and fishing too much. He wants to march to the beat of his
own drum, his own integrity, and be able to, in whatever way he
can, make the world a better place, fight injustices where appropriate.
Marty Rathbun is a good person, warts and all. He is my friend.
I also like and appreciate some of the work of Hubbard, with his
personal issues and all.
None of us are perfect, it seems especially that those who explore
or try tend to make more messes than those who did nothing. We can
only judge people by actions.
I believe Marty’s are good, especially now.
I believe DM’s are bad, especially now.
I believe Hubbard’s were good, especially in the earlier years,
though perhaps more questionable in the later years, whether from
personal issues, or from deceptive manipulation and manipulative
information fed him by DM.